brette

Today, after school, I was holding a funnel.  A small, innocent, funnel.

Student:  Oh!  Are we going binge drinking?

Me:  What?

Student:  With the funnel!  Are we binge drinking??  [Grabs funnel, leans back and pretends to binge drink from the funnel]  Isn’t that what you use these for?

Me:  [Trying–and failing–not to laugh]  Well, we were going to use it for a rain gague…

Student:  And THEN go drinking??

Me:  Uh…no.

Student:  Oh, too bad.  I thought you were a partier since you’re so relaxed all the time.

Now, one might expect such a conversation from a “bad” student.  But this was a small, nerdy Asian kid–your stereotypical pre-AP student, with glasses and everything!  NOT someone that I’d expect to ask me about boozing.  I’m not even sure how he knows about binge drinking, but it’s definitely the funniest thing that’s happened all week.

So the school’s talent show is tomorrow night, and one of my 4th period sweethearts is going to sing.  The other day, the choir director was telling me how great she is.  The following conversation ensued: 

C:  Hey A!  Are you in the talent show?

A is TOTALLY bashful about it…

Me:  Oh yeah!  Mr. J was just telling me the other day how much he likes the song you’re singing!

A:  Really??

Me:  Yeah, he said it’s great!

C:  Yeah, I couldn’t be a singer.  Singers fart all the time.

Me:  What?

C:  Singers fart a lot!  That’s, like, all they do.  And then they burp.  They fart and burp a lot.

 I can only imagine what life experiences led him to believe that.  (C is also sexy binders kid.)

Then, in 6th period, I made the announcement that I would be gone for two days after Spring Break.  One girl started asking me about my plans, which led to this:

A:  So Miss, are you going to get a boyfriend over spring break?

Me:  What?  Am I going to go find myself a boyfriend??

A:  Or if you already have one, are you going to get married?

Me:  Uh…

R:  She’s already married!

Me:  What??

R:  Just look at her ring!  [He takes my hand] See?  It’s invisible!

Me:  No, I am not getting married, and no, I am not getting myself a boyfriend.

A:  Oh, ok!

A is a part of my gaggle of girls; they are all curious about my relationship status.  It’s fun to keep them guessing.  R is the one who gets all his advice on women from the school’s police officer.  (That officer, by the way, had NO idea how R got that message from him.)

Oh, these children…

I have strange students.

One of my 4th period goofablls goes through phases of playing with her syntax.  A few weeks ago, she would make everything plural:  “Misses, I’m not dones with my Daily Math Reviews.”  “Jessicas, can you helps mes?”  “Is it times for our lunches?”

Thankfully, she grew out of that.  Now, however, she has started replacing random words with “cracker.”  Apparently, she really likes “crackers.”  Yesterday, I covered for another teacher, and overheard this bit of conversation:

Another student:  [something something something] Emmanuel’s baby.

Goofball:  Oh, yeah, Emmanuel’s cracker.

Me:  Uh…is “cracker” code for “baby”?

Goofball:  No, I just like crackers.

Today, it got to the point where I could not keep a straight face.  When we come back from lunch, I have my students line up on the wall, get quiet, and then I give them instructions before I let them in.  This is what transpired:

Goofball:  Come on, guys!  Get in a cracker!

Then, a little while later…

Goofball:  Come on!  Stand on the cracker!
Another student:  Uh, what does cracker mean?

Goofball:  Cracker can mean anything!  Line, wall–anything!  Ms. G is a cracker!

I started snickering…

Goofball:  What, Miss?  You’re a cracker!  E [the token White student, who just happened to be standing nearby] is a cracker!

I’m 99.9% sure that she is COMPLETELY oblivious to the 1970s use of the word “cracker.”  I couldn’t take it when she started calling ME, the White teacher, (and E, the token White student, for that matter) crackers.  I didn’t bother explaining it–I think it’s best to just let it slide.

While discussing triangles–Right, Acute, Obtuse, Scalene, Isosceles, AND Equilateral:

J: Miss, how do you memorize all this stuff?

R:  Because she’s a woman!

Me:  Ex-CUSE me?!

R:  Women have good memories.

Me:  I–uh–ok.  I don’t have any good trick to mem–

R:  That’s why you can’t cheat on them.

Me:  WHAT??

R:  Because then they’ll remember and they’ll hold it over you forever!

Me:  Uh…

R:  That’s what Officer Johnson [the school’s police officer] said!

Me:  Well, I guess Officer Johnson gives good advice.  Anyway, how about those triangles?

 I couldn’t even make this stuff up if I tried.